Jealousy 5

>> Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This is the end of my series on Jealousy. I will be away for some time and I wanted to start off fresh upon my return. When speaking about possessive behavior it is important to discuss extremes-Domestic Violence. Up until this point I have presented scenarios on jealousy that can be controlled with much practice, as controling jealous behavior can be very difficult. If you find yourself in an unhealthy, controlling, possessive, abusive relationship; it is important to be aware and get help.

These are some important contact telephone numbers that may be helpful to you:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence 1-800-492-6906
RAINN 1-800-656-HOPE

*All calls are confidential and lines are open 24 hours, 7 days a week, and are available to both men and women.

These are some signs for being in an abusive relationship:
-Being afraid of your partner most of the time.
-Feeling inadequate, feeling you can't do anything right.
-Feeling emotionally numb.
-Thinking things are your fault and you deserve mistreatment.
-Your partner humiliates and yells at you.
-Your partner views you as a sex object and as property.
-Your partner ignores you and makes light of your accomplishments.

To see more on signs listed above and recognizing an abusive relationship, please see here
and here. Thank you for stopping by.


Jealousy 4

>> Monday, July 19, 2010

Honestly, the competition between my two sons seems to be escalating . This post is a perfect time to write the next segment to my series on Jealousy. I went to a wedding on Saturday and near the end of it spoke to this mother who had two adorable daughters. I said something to the effect, "I always wondered what it is like to have two girls. As you can see I have two boys and they can be so spirited". She stated, "I do know what you mean it is the same way sometimes with girls. They can be competitive and energetic as well. I was so encouraged that she understood me. I love speaking to other mother's they give you some sanity to understanding life as a parent. I am reading a book given to me recently on understanding boys. (I will post a review when I am finished, as I like to do). The first paragraph to this book says the primary job for parents of boys is just keep them alive until they are young adults who can care for themselves. I laughed so hard at this harsh reality.

They have arguments about many things based on who has more and why I get less..., who had this item first, why does he get to..., how come you gave him that color..., hey I wanted...., that's no fair..., no, I got t the car first...., (snatch) that's mine..., don't drink my drink..., This is the basic competition.

The competition based on jealousy is said by both and goes something like this:

I want to sit next to mommy. I want to hold mommy's hand to cross the street. How come you gave him a hug and kiss. How come you read to him. How come he can help you cook. You did not rub my head last time I couldn't sleep, why does he get the last drop of juice, why did you give him the nicer or gooder one, how come you let him go..., why does he get to help you?

All sweet, but a bit nerve wrecking. I love my boys and I get to see jealousy in it's purest form. They say children make you mature and wiser. I see why. You can influence them but they can influence you as well. I am learning to curb my jealousy as it can be cute but has a boundary for driving the person you love crazy.


Jealousy 3

>> Thursday, July 15, 2010

Are you a jealous person by nature? It is hard to believe that there are people in the world who do not get jealous. My husband is one of them. He says, "I don't get jealous, maybe insecure." He refuses to face the fact that everyone gets jealous. That's like saying I don't get mad or sad. Ridiculous isn't it? How many wars have been fought over a jealous lover? It's a strong and powerful motivator.

The major motivator to jealousy is "exclusivity". This factor, applies to outside attractions as your spouse should have "eyes" for you alone. Exclusivity applies to in-laws as well, for fear of their powerful control. The idea that they could make a gesture and your spouse second guess you or possibly take sides can me traumatic. Even a friendship from the past, who has had history with your significant other, sets off alarms for unwanted division or competition for their attention. Which of course you are spoiled, expecting not all, but 90% of their attention :)

If you have children, it is weaved in to this scenario as well. One partner allows their "falling in love with child syndrome" to push out the other partner. You feel you have been replaced and this phenomenon can be experienced by either parent. You are no longer exclusive. This is the shift in paradigm. All examples can be a shock to the system as we are creatures of habit and comfort. When either is threatened we become infuriated. Now of course you may also want to include a pet, a car, a job, or a laptop/desktop into this equation.

I have no magical answers. I only know that exclusivity is not a constant. The honeymoon stage is a special time that sets a foundation for all else to come. Sadly you may not get it back. From what I have learned through watching and counseling other couples, is that there is only seasons and transformations, which is what keeps life breathing in a marriage and family. Everyone gets their round of attention and then with the increase of commitment, other characteristics are and must be built. Jealousy is the protector of a union but shouldn't be built so much that either partner can't get out. In any case all relationships should have a door to their castle, for the freedom to come and go. Once gone they will always want to come back.


Jealousy 2

>> Sunday, July 11, 2010

This was the scene we drove up to when getting
gas for our car. What had just happened? It looked like a sledge hammer went through the wind shield and it was done on purpose. We were on our way home from church and saw the gas tank near empty. As my husband got out of the car I could not stop staring as I had never seen this before. A man who worked at the gas station, Harold, who said it was o.k. to state his name, said, "You missed it. This happened about twenty minutes ago." (It was 1:30 p.m.) He was animated in his gestures while he told us the story of the driver and his lady friend.

Harold continued to tell us how the man who was driving this car
parked at this gas station and convenience shop, meeting up with a lady friend. As they were parked in the car, a taxi drove up behind them and out came a woman with a New York Yankees bat that Harold says was a Lou Gehrig edition. Many people who were stopping for gas drove by to find out what had happened. It could have also appeared as if someone left their car parked at a Bronx gas station overnight and someone vandalized the car.

Suddenly, she proceeded to run up to the car and started smashing
in the windows, with the bat, while they were still in the car! He did not give all the details of what this woman must have been saying while smashing in the windows or if she even said anything, stating what she needed to say, with the bat. Harold stated from what he witnessed she was his wife who wanted to catch him cheating and she followed him in the taxi, prepared with the bat on hand. While she was beating in the car "both her husband and lover ran for cover". "They were running for their lives!"

At that point, I remembered all of you and jumped out the car with my cell phone camera, pulling myself away from Harold's story. After taking the first picture I remembered my last post and that I wanted to do a series on Jealousy. This was perfect timing. I felt like a news reporter in the right place at the right time to document the evidence of a woman with Jealous Fury. She had followed her suspicions and must have been absolutely sure as she planned to take the bat. They are lucky she only damaged the car.



>> Friday, July 09, 2010

Why is jealousy considered green and a snake symbolizing its most deadliest form? I think it should be bright red or a deep wine color with its symbolic animal as a Bear. Although snakes are pretty sneaky, so I guess this could do. I have the worse case of jealousy ever and I can't for the life of me, after 12 years of marriage, figure out how my husband is not jealous by nature or have the seed of "green" in him.

Honestly, during my early age of marriage I thought my goodness, he must care nothing for me or I must be so homely to him that who on God's green earth would want me. I went through a period of insecurity at about 2 years of marriage and I tell you it was like being a pre-teen all over again. I knew I was jealous but marriage intensified it to the point where he said I am going to the library. Yeah right. I know you are a geek, but let's face it what grown man goes to the library? You hate reading. Why does your credit card come up for shopping at a woman's clothing store? Hmmm, explain that one or why it took you ten extra minutes to come home or have a special ring tone on your phone besides for me.

This is the time I turn green as in after I find out he has since chosen to go to Barnes and Noble as a regular on computer blah blah books and magazines. He comes home with, "look what I bought you" and the extra 10 minutes was spent on a shiny new car that just had a good washing. the other ring tone I later found out was for his mother. I turn green from embarrassment. But the cycle continues although my fears have gone up in smoke. Now, I used to be worse, calling to find out where he was, snooping for clues and just flat out addicted to managing his time. A control that drove him crazy and one day said, "You are driving me to do something". I stopped dead in my tracks. I was a deer in headlights. There was actually a concept I never encountered. It was like hearing the world was round and three dimensional not the two dimensional world I had been living in. That's the day I had an awakening that I had to take my controlling nature and apply it to myself.

Let's be honest if you are satisfied after each suspicion is accounted for and have no doubt and have confronted your spouse and given plausible answers then you need to reign in your green eyed snake. Now if you are not sure and things do not make sense while your spouse says one thing and the "arithmetic" does not add up, your suspicion are perfectly reasonable. Instead of your spouse accusing you of jealousy or that you are somehow in the wrong as I have heard from cheaters before, as long as you are mature, without emotion, which irritates men, you have all rights to ask questions. For an example script, create a tone before hand saying, "In the future when you refuse or are hesitant to answer my question it makes me suspect more that you are hiding something. It is perfectly normal for both or one spouse to have these feelings as I am in love with you and want you exclusively to myself, so in the future please help me by answering me. This will help with my suspicions and please don't get angry with me as I am trying to resolve my own fears. (Of course this is only a blue print to how you would like to say it).

As a wife who suffers with jealous thoughts I have a lot to say about this subject. As a mother of two boys I have to say a lot about this subject and as a Mental Health Counselor, I have a lot to say about this subject. I will write another posting on "Jealousy" because there is so much to write about having "the green eyed snake" or in my world, "the red eyed bear".


Remembering the Brave

>> Sunday, July 04, 2010

Today is such a somber day. Like Christmas you can get caught up in the excitement, events and good cooking; missing out on it's true meaning. Happy 4th to all of you. With the anticipation of fire works brings this sobering sense that we can celebrate only because of someone elses sacrifice. So although to be free is a great experience there is no amount of thankfulness to be exerted for the soldiers who have and still are fighting for our safety. This is Bravery. But the wives and families are also the Heroes. When remembering the brave, I also remember them and their children. Thank you for your sacrifice.



>> Friday, July 02, 2010

I am moving. It finally soaked in today. I admire all those who have moved to another state or country for that matter. Hats off to you. I have lived in New York City since I was three years old and in two weeks I will be moving to Virginia. My husband has been talking about leaving New York for some time now and the plan was to graduate from my Masters program while he completed some training programs in IT Security. The boys are no longer in school and I have to transfer them. I contact the school in Virginia to register them last month. Of course I had to also contact afterschool programs in the area to bring them home by bus. We finally took those new buses, Megabus, that can take us round trip for $19.90 each. We left the children with my mother and signed the lease. It is a nice three bedroom Garden Apartment. Honestly, I would have rather the townhouse we saw before with a loft on the second floor! But their school system was rated a 2 or 3. So I had to sacrifiece this beautiful home as I have never lived in a house before, only a co-op, to take my second love, Garden Apartment with terrace, washing machine and laundry amenities. The school system is a 7 or 8. So as a parent you know why I made the move that I made. Plus there's a swimming pool, work out room and a nice little community.

On top of getting the place ready with gas and electricity, cable and insurance. I have to sell the apartment in NY. We have a buyer. Nice couple having their first child, so they will love our spacious apartment. We are paying two rents so that I can't wait until everything is sold. You know what the first thing I am going to do right? Pay off all my bills and live free! Now I haven't even begun to tell you everything about this moving process as it is just too detailed. In the mix of everything I had surgery yesterday to remove an abdominal hernia from the birth of my last son, five years ago. Yes, I said five years ago. I have had three surgeries already and I hate going under anesthesia. It is the worse. It really works with me. The nurses said they will always remember me because as everyone starts the procedure around 10 am, they are up and about ready to go at 2pm. Not so with me, at 8:00pm I was wheeled out in a wheel chair. This was my fate. How do people kill themselves to get high like this I thought. I was nauseous the whole time and worse. I kept going under, back to sleep. That's when I remembered why I waited so long to get this operation. Thank goodness I did a lot of packing and cleaning while I had my sanity and strength. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have been looking for a job. No kidding everyday for two months. and nothing yet. (pause) I just sat back down to see a man in his window with a hairy chest looking out the window-Gross. I didn't see that one coming (as my youngest says). Anyway, pray for me. Wish me luck. Send out good wishes my way and I will do the same for you. As family, it is a lot of hard work especially when relocating. Oh, and if you live in Virginia, send me a holler neighbor.